The Last Temptation of Ryan: a play in one act
“Then Jesus was led by the spirit into the desert, to be tempted by the devil.”
—Matthew 4:1
On Draft Day 2010 a Saints fan named Ryan Chauvin saw that new draftee Jimmy Graham of the University of Miami had once played basketball. Immediately, Ryan felt a great certainty: This kid Jimmy, whose name Ryan found it impossible to say aloud without an unnecessary exclamation point, would become the greatest tight end in franchise history and one of the most dominant players at that position in football.
The on-field results quickly began to reveal Ryan to be a prophet, and he proved that he was, by far, Jimmy Graham’s biggest fan. But one hot day, a tempter came, a demon coveting Jimmy’s lanky explosiveness, demanding the rights to him in exchange for some of the most alluring gifts in American football. How can anyone resist? Just how loyal to Jimmy is Ryan Chauvin, really?
The stage is empty, a barren open desert. A young man named RYAN CHAUVIN, wearing a New Orleans Saints #80 jersey, enters from stage right. He looks around, looks into the audience, evaluates the lonely landscape. After a couple of long beats, from off-stage comes the sound of heavy, sand-crunching footsteps. Ryan’s eyes dart stage left just in time to see THE NFL PLAYER PERSONNEL DEMON enter. The Demon is large and husky and may or may not have a mustache.
DEMON
Behold! I have led you into the desert so that we can open player acquisition negotiations. You’ve chosen to represent yourself, or have you brought my friend Drew Rosenhaus?
RYAN
I’ll be handling this myself.
DEMON
Okay then. Let’s get to it.
You’re Jimmy Graham’s number one fan. You kiss his large basketball feet and sound excited every time you say his name. You argue that, as of this moment, Jimmy Graham is the best tight end in football. He’s tied for the NFL lead in receptions by a player not named Wes Welker, and is on pace for about 1600 yards, which is a nonsensical total for a tight end. That said, all players have a price tag, so, Mr. Chauvin: it’s time to tempt you.
I, semi-all-powerful director of NFL player personnel, can offer you any player or set of players in exchange for Jimmy. I’ve got a nifty receiver named Calvin Johnson, with whom I believe you’ve been impressed lately. How about it? Megatron for Jimmy, straight up.
Ryan seems amused. He shakes his head.
RYAN
My short answer? No. I shudder to think what Calvin Johnson and Drew Brees would do to defenses, but the name of the game in Sean Payton’s offense is versatility. That’s why Darren Sproles is so valuable to this team right now. We both know that with Sproles attracting so much attention in the backfield, Jimmy(!)’s potential record-breaking year becomes a possibility.
Seriously, he’s on pace to eclipse the single season record for yards by a tight end by three hundred yards. He’s averaging one hundred yards a game and 15.5 yards per catch. Jimmy(!) is a first down machine. This season 81.2% of his receptions have gone for first downs or touchdowns. That’s not even fair. I know we use him more as a pass catching tight end, but Jimmy(!) gets his fair share of blocking assignments and to my knowledge (I may be wrong), he does a decent job in blocking situations.
DEMON
And yet Megatron is a physical freak unmatched even by Mr. Graham.
RYAN
Well, my first reaction to this trade proposition was to look at their measurables:
Jimmy(!) - Age: 24 (25 in Nov). Height: 6’6”. Weight: 260. 40 time: 4.53. Broad Jump: 10”. Vertical Leap: 38.5” (that’s literally more than half the height of Sproles; when you factor in his wingspan, that’s easily twelve feet. From a standing vertical jump. Ridiculous.) Bench press reps of 225: 20. I can’t find Jimmy’s Wonderlic so let’s say he got a 49. And let’s move on.
Megatron - Age: 26. Height: 6’5”. Weight: 236. 40 time: 4.35. Broad Jump: 11’ 10”. Vertical Leap 44.5”. Bench Press Reps of 225: 22. Wonderlic score: 41
And yet, I still go with Jimmy(!) every time. I think we may have one of the best young players in the game. The thing is, we have a handful of good to great receivers and I think the game is trending towards dominant tight ends, aided by rule changes benefiting the passing game and limiting contact over the middle.
Tempting as Calvin Johnson, his ridiculous statistics, and nine touchdowns are, I’m sticking with Jimmy(!). Is that really the best you can do?
The Demon does not seem particularly perturbed.
DEMON
Admittedly I opened with an offer I knew you’d refuse. Sure, it’d be great for you to have a monster like Megatron jackrabbiting defensive backs as he nabs Breesian deep passes, but that’d be a luxury the Saints don’t necessarily require to be a dominant offense—since, as you know, they already are one.
But as I reach into my bag of NFL players I’m extracting, Santa-like, gifts that you may find far more appealing. As a master of recent football time and space—I have a time-turner with a range of about three years or so (beyond that things get iffy, especially if I try to transport matter. You get like extra limbs on the other end.)—I can provide players from recent Saints history, and my new offer to you is Super-Sharper from the first half of 2009.
RYAN
What this boils down to is urgency and age. Super-Sharper was 33 when he was roaming center field with superhuman ability. Even if we pretend that we had Super-Sharper for a full season, what you’re asking me to weigh is one season of lock-down-without-a-doubt hall-of-famery against a great career that is about to unfold.
As you’ve already pointed out, Jimmy(!) is on pace to have one of the best seasons by a tight end, ever. Sure, it’s still early and he’ll likely fade some this season, but call me an optimist: I think we have a Hall of Fame career in the making. When was the last time any Saint had this much talent potential at such a young age? When was the last time we could look at a second-year Saint and say that he was already one of the best players in the league? You can take your Super-Sharper and his interceptions. I’ll stick with Jimmy(!), because (knock on wood) we have an entire career to look forward to.
So no dice, Demon: That temptation rang false as well. Why don’t you reach inside that magic bag of yours and come up with a trade that’s based off of more than sentimentality for seasons gone by? Otherwise, I shall not waver!
Impressed, the demon strokes his chin and then crosses his arms over his chest, a vaguely coach-like stance, it is, and after a moment he makes his next offer.
DEMON
Well, I just assumed that you’d realize a full season of Super-Sharper, along with this current edition of the Gulf Coast Express, would practically be a coupon exchangeable for Lombardi Trophy Number Two. But okay: whatever. I suppose one thing that makes the 2011 Gulf Coast Express so good is Jimmy, so I understand the logic.
Still, I’m looking at this Saints defense, and I’m seeing so many holes. Gregg Williams is a very good defensive coordinator, but you know that cliche about chicken salad? You don’t take Scott Shanle and get Derrick Brooks, is what it means. Even with a great chef, when you put garbage in you get garbage out. I’m fairly certain I mangled several analogies there, but that’s what happens when you’re a semi-all-powerful football deity.
It seems you prize youth along with talent. You want Hall of Fame potential and fresh legs. I can deliver that. As part of the ongoing cultural exchange between the cities of New York and New Orleans, I will take Jimmy off your hands and, in exchange, send Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis down on the 6am JetBlue from JFK.
RYAN
Okay, okay. Now we’re getting somewhere. But as crazy as this sounds, I’m still going to have to pass. Darelle Revis is, unquestionably, one of the five or ten best all-around players in the league, but cornerback isn’t the biggest area of need on this lackluster defense. I think it’s safe to assume that Revis would mitigate our opponent’s top receiver, but that’s not really where we’re hurting. Sure, Andre Johnson lit us up, but it’s not like Revis gets a ton of turnovers, because no one throws in his direction. In fact, he’s only caused two forced fumbles and caught 15 interceptions in his career. I know he’s good, but Revis might actually exacerbate our current flaws.
Offenses would quickly abandon their top receiver, but in a league where it seems offense is abundant, they’d just turn to our bigger weakness: covering running backs and tight ends. Would Revis have stopped James Casey and Owen Daniels in that Texans game? Nope. Would he have stopped DeAngelo Williams from breaking off 115 yards and a touchdown last week? Nope.
You may feel disenchanted about Jabari Greer and Tracy Porter, but they were major assets during our Super Bowl run and I wouldn’t barter away Jimmy(!) for a 22-26% upgrade in our cornerback performance. Keep ‘em coming, though. I’m sure you can persuade me eventually.
The Demon is by now beginning to look flustered. He fidgets. He takes exasperated breaths. He tries to stay composed but, at first, fails.
DEMON
Well, ah, given that the Eagles got worse after acquiring a cornerback some people thought was the league’s best, maybe you’re right to turn down this deal. Still, I mean, you know: 15 interceptions is as many as Tracy Porter and Jabari Greer have in their respective careers combined, and Greer’s had a longer career. You’re…you’re a stubborn one, and if you don’t understand that a shutdown corner in a passing league is more valuable than a damn tight end, then—
No. No. Breathing. It’s okay. We can deal, right? You’ve given me an opening, let me know that negotiations should continue. You have a tight end with potential, who’s performing really well, and maybe you overvalue him, but that might be understandable, because you only have one of those, and I have the entire National Football League back to 2006 or so, depending on how far I’m willing to stretch the fabric of space-time. You know this, and so you’re understandably trying to finagle as much out of me as you possibly can. That’s fine, I mean; just know I’m onto you, Boy Whose Surname Is A Tiny Cajun Town.
Perhaps you merely want to address more than one team need at once. Well. We can do that. You are, I’m sure, familiar with Jared Allen. He’s a defensive end. He’s had five straight years worth of Will Smith career seasons. He’s still in his twenties. Can you imagine the hurt Gregg Williams will put on Matt Ryan with a weapon like this at his disposal? He’s yours, and all you have to do is offer up a tight end who was just a mediocre ex-power forward when you were, because of graduate school, not at Lombardi Gras.
Ryan is taken aback by this last bit.
DEMON
(quickly, recovering)
But wait! There’s more!
You’ve no doubt complained about Scott Shanle, and have hoped against hope that Jonathan Casillas would somehow become a star. Rather than swear bitterly every time one of your outside linebackers fails to make a play, why not cheer as your weakside linebacking position is manned by legitimate NFL starter Michael Boley, who, by the way, shared with you an undergraduate institution? How nice would it be to see Mike Boley scoop up a fumble and score a touchdown as you cheer, knowing that he represents two black and gold football teams for which you have some level of affection?
For the price of a mere tight end you immediately address the two biggest needs on your team. Tell me: How could Mr. Graham possibly be worth more to you than that?
Ryan merely shakes his head.
RYAN
I’m going to skim over the various insults and jabs at my personal character and jump right down to the meat of this offer. You want me to give up Jimmy(!) for a red chip linebacker and a blue chip defensive end? An enticing offer, no doubt, but I suppose it makes me question how I value offense and defense. Jared Allen is disruptive, and replacing Scott Shanle with a solid linebacker would help to plug a lot of the various holes on this defense. My mind swims with thoughts of the blitzes Gregg Williams could unleash with his new toys, but my answer is still no.
As much as we pretend that we have “the perfect receivers” for the Gulf Coast Express, as you call it, as much as we love Lance Moore and Marques Colston, they are not dominant. And Jimmy(!) is dominant. Our offense, nay, our team is built around one man: Drew Brees. A solidified defense isn’t nearly as valuable as a blue chip skill player for Drew to use. You know what Drew kept telling Darren Sproles to convince him to sign with the Saints?
“He told me that he’d use me right. That’s what he kept saying,” said Sproles.
And that goes for every tool in the Payton/Brees shed. This team is built to score and built to maximize the best player on the field, and the acquisition of Boley and Allen doesn’t help Drew. Jimmy(!) is more than a young prospect. He’s the future of this team. As Drew approaches the stretch run of his Hall of Fame career, the last thing I’d ever do is throw away a stud. And the best part? The proverbial cherry on top? The new rule changes to protect against concussions opens up the middle of the field like never before. We have no idea what the tight end position is going to evolve into over the next decade.
Well, that’s a lie. We do know. The position is going to evolve and adapt by mimicking the very player you’re trying to take from me. We’re three to four years years ahead of the curve because Jimmy(!) is the archetype. In fact, check out Drew Brees’ stats when throwing to the middle of the field in the first four weeks of the season. Here, I’ve got a printout:
12 CMP - 19 ATT - 227 YDS - 63.2% CMP - 11.95 AVG -79 yard LNG - 2 TD - 0 INT - 0 SACK - 139.6 RTNG
And you want me to give up a viable deep threat down the middle? Forget viable. Dangerous deep threat, and he’s only been playing football three years total. You take your defensive players. I’m insulted by your offer, and also by the digs at my heritage. Chauvin is a fine town of over 3,000 upstanding Cajun-American stock. And for what it’s worth, a great, great uncle of mine founded the town, so show some damned respect.
The Demon’s face turns red. His eyes flash with anger. A massive unlit cigar that wasn’t there a moment ago appears and falls from his lips.
DEMON
An all-pro pass rusher and a borderline Pro Bowl linebacker and you want to hang on to a tight end?!? You know what? You’re a…a…a coonass! Yeah! That’s right. Oh, I’m getting testy now, you think? You’ve earned it! I don’t know what else you want! I’m working with you here!
(beat)
All right. All right. Breathing. In and out. In and out. Om.
I’m sorry about the coonass thing. That was uncalled for. I’m sure your people are all wonderful and upstanding. And anyway a little birdie told me—literally, I mean, a little birdie flew by and told me while I was at Starbucks—that during that whole Cajun Mardi Gras segment of Treme you were absolutely appalled and said something like, “Those people are so coonass.” It’s just you’ve got to be hard in negotiations like this, and you can’t let yourself be taken advantage of.
But okay. We’re going to work some real magic.
You talk about preserving the future of the passing game, of being ahead of the curve, all that jazz. And you may be right. It’s possible I’ve looked into the future and seen Jimmy Graham in a gold jacket and maybe that’s why I want to work out a deal so badly. I mean, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying. But I can say that I’ve looked into the future and seen Andrew Luck becoming a superstar quarterback. You’ve heard of him? Luck? He’s made Stanford—Stanford, now—a contender for the college football mythical national championship. Some teams are losing just to get a shot at him (believe me, I can tell).
Now, you’ve also seen Brett Favre, future Hall of Famer, followed up with Aaron Rodgers, prototype for the modern passing game and probable future Hall of Famer himself. Luck is every bit the prototype modern NFL passer that Rodgers is—big, mobile, rocket-armed, intelligent, tough. And, you know, Drew Brees ain’t gettin’ any younger. So what if—just asking now—What if I were to take Jimmy, and in exchange, secure the Saints the rights to Andrew Luck. I’ll make sure that, whenever Drew retires—three years, five years, seven years—Andrew Luck is an NFL-ready 22 year-old, ready to take the reigns from him for another 15 years. Don’t ask me how I’ll do this, by the way—it’s complex, and involves those faster-than-light neutrinos that were in the news a couple weeks back.
So. I get Jimmy Graham, you get certain NFL air dominance for the next twenty years. Deal?
There is a very long beat. Ryan ponders the offer.
RYAN
I…I’m not going to lie to you. I’m considering it.
But you know what. No. I can’t and I shan’t.
You referenced the great line of succession in Green Bay? How’d that work out for their beloved Hall of Fame quarterback? Hmm? More than four awkward years later Favre is still throwing barbs at his successor. I’m not comparing Drew’s personal disposition with Favre’s, but I’m not willing to risk it.
We, as a city, as a region, as sports fans, owe Drew Brees an enormous debt of perpetual gratitude. Not just for his on field play, not just for the title he brought us, but for showing up in 2006 and helping rebuild a region with poise, class, and the largest heart this side of Texas. My loyalty remains with Drew.
I know I’m passing up a sweetheart deal here so don’t even go there, but Drew is still in his prime and as I said before, I think Jimmy(!) is the future. I believe this team can contend for three or four titles (not win them all necessarily, but be there in the thick of things, isn’t that all we can ask as fans?) and Jimmy(!) is now a big part of that. I won’t mortgage our present for the future, however bright that future may appear.
And lest we forget; Drew was run out of San Diego just a few years ago by an eerily similar transaction. Drew is a competitor and champion and I have too much respect for him to throw away what we have now, today, for a spot of Luck (sorry I couldn’t help myself. Add that to the list of reasons why I don’t want him: I’d have to endure horrible puns for fifteen years).
So. Be you genie or be you devil, take this deal back to whatever evil gave the authority to make these trades and report back my answer: No deal.
The Demon just stares. Another cigar appears between his teeth. His mustache is now clearly visible. A coach’s headset appears on his head, and he may or may not be wearing a wig of dark dreadlocks. To Ryan, the Demon seems familiar. In a moment, we’ll know why.
DEMON
Give me Jimmy Graham and I’ll give you my entire 1999 draft plus my 1st and 3rd rounders in 2000.
RYAN
You mean I could draft LaVar Arrington and Champ Bailey and that would fix all our defensive problems? Meanwhile what? You’d get Jimmy(!) and you’d win the Super Bowl? He’s the final piece of the puzzle? Do you really believe that?
Ryan’s eyes narrow into slits as the icy dagger of realization begins to strike. He takes a couple steps away from the Demon, as if he’s suddenly far more wary of the thing’s presence.
RYAN
Wait. This all seems too familiar. So I’m getting the Ricky Williams deal? This is it? This is your final offer? Need I remind you how horribly that deal worked out for all sides the first time?
Need I remind you that the teams that made the trade went 110-130 over the next five seasons? That only two notable players sprung out of it? Need I remind you that every coach involved with this Charlie Foxtrot got fired within two years?
This is a stupid trade. I know who you are, and it won’t work on me this time, Ditka!
Revealed to be the evil spirit of Iron Mike, the Demon gasps. But Ryan goes on.
RYAN
At first I scoffed. I thought Andrew Luck was a better offer. Then I became greedy. I looked at the draft board and saw all that talent and my eyes glazed over. But part of why I’ve clung to Jimmy(!) is because I know we have something special. Not “special.” But special.
You won’t destroy us again, you old bastard. You may have set this franchise back a decade once, but you shan’t again.
So be gone! And to your final offer? I say “C’mon, Man!” Why don’t you go back to the hole you crawled out of.
Ryan holds up his arms and proudly displays his Jimmy Graham jersey.
RYAN
JIMMY(!)!!!
He triumphantly walks off stage right while we hear Jim Henderson calling a play, Drew stepping up in the pocket and launching a pass, CAUGHT BY JIMMY GRAHAM FOR A TOUCHDOWN!
The Ditka Demon hangs his head. There are cheers and roars. A long beat.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY
Writers
Bradley Warshauer
Ryan Chauvin
Original Artwork
Elliott Freeman
